typical situation!
by therapeuticsweets
Summary: Definitely not what a english major was expecting. cursing OCs, rampaging dwarves, timeline jumping, and a unexpected adventure.


**Hello! -insert glamourous introduction about the **_**newbie**_** author -**

**Few quickies ( .):**

**1. Sorry for the Homestuck references~~~ mysoulissoldtohussie.**

**2. Swearing is present, do not read if you are offended, take note of the rating of the ficky before you delve in.**

**3. Bear with me I have no beta and this is my first fanfic! (I am the complete opposite of an English major lol).**

**Disclaimer for all chappies:**

**Homestuck belongs to Hussie and LOTR/The Hobbit to Tolkien**

**BUT NELL IS MINE. -froths-**

**ONWARDS!**

Chapter one: Fuck me.

Sighing you looked at the hello kitty clock next to your desk, it glared back at you as if the mock you for procrastinating the weeks by reading Homestuck. 3:08 AM.

"Shit." _curse you Andrew Hussie. _If you had anime tears they would be streaming down your face, enough to fill the fucking Nile.

It was going to take forever to finish this goddam thesis paper for your eight AM class. Thats right, you're a typical college kid, pulling all nighters to finish your homework and hopefully your english major in the next year. Groaning you rolled your neck and winced at the audible clinks; sliding down the chair you survey what was a sad excuse for your "room". Hah. Bed pushed up against the far wall with mounds of absurd clothes draped everywhere, anime posters plunked onto the walls with an occasional splash of LOTR, random wigs accessorized my dresser and wig heads floating about, hoards of plushies that would have made Dirk proud littered the floor...

_Maybe I should start my own plushie pornsite to fund my sad life since I'm never going to finish college... _you snorted at the train of thought, fucking homestuck had basically taken what was left of your soul since Hussie decided to Upd8.

_Oh my god, reduced to making tumblr references... IN MY MIND._ you cried internally and proceeded schlump into the nearest plushie pile, burying yourself into its inviting, soft, depths that was not a brain frying thesis essay.

_Because that totally made sense _Bemoaning your mushy brain, you stretched on your luxurious pile and proceeded to scratch your stomach lazily.

Well, mostly soft plushies _Ow. Wtf is sticking into my spleen_ rolling over you fished out your long time battered best friend.

The Hobbit gleamed back at you and you laughed a little, _oh Tolkien, my best man,_ _the instigator of endless streams of fanfiction, hardcore marysues, headcannons, OTPS... speaking of which some nice hot steamy sex between Legolas and-_

you stopped my train of thought when an ominous crash came from outside your door.

_Noooooo I want steamy sex between elves not creepy bumps going through the dead. silent. night. OH god. _you cringed as you moved yourself to the door, cautiously opening the door gently (as freaking gently as you could because fawk the apartments old as the ramen lying underneath your bed...)

_Why am I even investigating _sobbed to yourself_ Nell you KNOW you don't go towards the creepy noise and not to be the mindless bitch in horror movies that decide it would be best to "check that creepy noise out when you're alone. in the house. at 3AM in the morning." Fuck._

Running a sweaty hand (_YES _you have _THOSE_ kind of hands, you know the ones that are always _constantly_ _moist_. yeah. gross huh?) through your messy hair, you winced at the creek that the old door made as you peered out into the dark hallway. Quickly assessing the scene, you nod to yourself thinking it was safe enough the waddle out in your kawaii tofu slippers (... its a thing), equiped with Family Guy PJs and a blue worn out sweater.

you hadn't even taken a few steps when

.patter.

freezing in an awkward hunched position you frantically swing your head left and right

"reooowwwww"

"HOLY SHITBALLS" you yelped, nearly peeing yourself in the process. You swear to god you nearly jumped high enough to taste god fucking olypmus.

"reoooww" purred PluPlu as she winded around your cramped form,

Letting yourself slide comically down the wall you deadpanned at your cat, picked her up, and proceeded to give her the eskimo kisses she hated.

"That's what you get for making my palms excrete even more sweat" you whispered smiling humorously at her attempts to wiggle out of your grasp. muhahaha. revenge is sweet.

Distracted by PluPlu you didn't even notice the lurking shadow coming around the corner before it was too late. And too late as in you didn't even get the chance to let out a nice long scream.

_I mean if I'm going to be knocked out by some phsyco maniac and kidnapped to some cliche torture destination, then I should be atleast entitled to a wailing scream of horror. right?_

Hah.

Dramatic exits would be your main concern in a life threatening situation. Because your just so cool like that.

A quite delighted hobbit whistled a merry tune on his way back to his hole. It was a glorious sunny day in the Shire, and the smell of spring made everyone livelier. He was completely content with how today turned out! He managed to snag the last of some fresh seasonings from the market and haggle some very interesting folklore. He admit, he liked to read about adventures ever since he was little but never _ever _would he _ever_ join one, no he was perfectly content with being a Baggins.

The stroll to his hole was certainly pleasant until he stumbled and almost dropped all his goods.

"Dear gods who leaves a.. is that a dead animal?!" Flipping out Bilbo used his foot to nudged the water trodden furry slipper. It laid unmoved and certainly unresponsive to his proddings. Bilbo's eyes strayed from the fur mess and rested on an unmoving figure lying on the dirt ground. His eyes widened and quickly abandoned his goods to go check on the poor girl. Moving her on her back, Bilbo pushed the massive tangles of dark hair back to check her pulse.

Frowning at how faint the pulse was coupled with her cold skin, he decided to be the gracious hobbit he was known for and lifted the small figure bridal style back to his hole, completely forgetting his loot of the day.

_This mud is going to stain my couch and will leave a mess to clean up_ Bilbo sighed.

Walking up his stairs was a feat as the stranger became heavier and heavier as he moved along, but opening his door was near impossible with the dead weight. There were some embarrassing maneuvers that may or maynot of ended up with accidently dropping the girl a few times. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. hah. pun intended.

Trekking through his house, the hobbit gently laid her down on living room couch. He proceeded to bustle around, lighting the fireplace, and draping a blanket over the shivering stranger.

_Hopefully she will warm up soon_, he watched worriedly at the small trembling figure. The small stature of the girl made him assume the she was either hobbit or dwarf,

_couldn't be dwarf... shes practically hairless except for the strands on her head_!But then again Bilbo noticed her small feet and they were definitely not ones of a hobbit.

Lips drawn in thought, Bilbo decided to let her warm up as he tackled the mess he had trailed in, and then proceeded to make some hot dinner for him and his guest.

The first thing you notice before completely waking up is the warm soggy feeling all over you. It was really uncomfortable but admittedly nice because you remember feeling so cold not long ago. The second thing you notice as you slowly start waking was the delicious smell that wafted from the next room. It was making your stomach complain and you begrudgingly neared consciousness. The third thing you realize after you opened your eyes, was THIS WAS NOT YOUR ROOM, and proceeded to spazz out. All the memories came rushing back and you screamed, sitting up. Frantically you grabbed the nearest object to fend off your creeper with. You reached for a... a dollie?! What?! What the Hussiesass was going on here. Your eyes darted around the... cozy. welcoming. room. There was even a fire going on for fucks sake.

_Oh my god. _You hyperventilated. Your creep has a sick sadistic side that felt the need to capture a young maiden to soothe toy and play some kind of twisted version of house with, all the while bringing back dead bodies to casually pose as trophies for you.

_Maybe I should stop watching really bad horror movies._ Slightly relaxing you looked up in time to see the most adorable Hobbit entering the room with a tray of food.

Wait.

Hobbit.

A RACE THAT DEFINITELY DID NOT EXIST.

_You've finally hit the deep end _you thought bitterly, you knew that thesis was out to get you. You didn't even register the hobbit talking to you, and proceeded to pinch yourself. _That fucking hurt_. But you pinched yourself again. And a third for good measures. A fourth if you could but suddenly a hand grabbed your arm. The hobbit said something to you in a concerned manner but all you could think about was how charming Bilbo looked up close, slightly old, but still charming.

Then it was like some dawning that smacked your ass for the second time today.

Bilbo Baggins.

In his house.

Definitely not dreaming.

You simply fainted, in a pretty unladylike manner too; schlumping sideways into the tray of food and then flopping in a heap onto the ground, leaving Bilbo staring shocked at your unconscious form.

**What do you guys think? Hah I know I'm lame god this project was pulled out of my ass on a whim but you know what. That's basically my life lol.**

**Please review! Tell me what you think, I tried not to make this so mary-sue and fixed some of my grammar issues... I have sorta planned out the general direction of the first few chappies so we shall see.**

**REVIEW.**

**PLEASE.**

**-screeches into the night-**


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